I might need some input on this blog friends.
Friendship. There are a myriad of descriptions and emotions that go towards friendships. Sometimes I wish I wasn't a female, because us females tend to get hurt and upset easier in their friendships.
However, what if you were the only one being a friend in a friendship? And didn't realize for quite some time that the other person didn't really deep down care about you as their friend? I guess it's difficult to really judge this as to be truth, but actions speak louder than words. Don't they?
Thing is, I still don't and will never stop caring about this person that I am obviously, subtly writing about. Friendships are kinda like dating relationships. In that, it feels like a break up sometimes when friendships end. Am I alone in feeling this way?
Ok, I'll give more specifics. I've known this friend for a really long time. We were super close for a while quite some time ago. At one point, this friend knew me more than anyone else in the world. I loved being around and with this person. She is full of life. But even when we weren't close, that never stopped how much we cared for each other. So I thought.
Then again, I must not leave out the fact that I have not been perfect as a friend either. In college, I know I was way too pushy & harsh about this friend needing more God in her life. I actually cringe when I think back to how I was. I was judgemental and not focusing on her heart, instead her mere actions. I said some hurtful things along the way. Not to excuse my behavior, but to make you understand.....I was growing alot in my own walk with the Lord at the time and was kinda like a baby Christian who was on fire for God but didn't have the grace and understanding of a more wise follower of Christ.
So what brings on this blog of ventation (I know, I made up the word) is that I was looking at my friend's wedding pictures on FB tonight. Her wedding was yesterday and I was not there. I thought I was completely okay and understanding about not being there. I understand that it was a very small backyard kinda wedding. But when I looked through the pictures....my heart completely sank. I wasn't prepared for such emotions to be honest.
Feelings of anger emerged. But honestly I'm not angry, I'm hurt. Couldn't an extra chair have been squeezed in? I know, that's silly and I definitely understand the expense of weddings. So that's a lame argument of mine. The thing that is the most frustrating...I can't do anything about this lack of friendship and I can't do anything about me continuing to care so much for this person.
That's life I guess. Friends do come and go in our lives. But it's the ones that I have heart strings attached to that are the hardest to let go of for me. I've always had a hard time letting go of friendships that have abruptly ended, slowly changed, or that have just melted into space and time.
I guess over time, I have come to truly value my long-time friends and my family far greater than I EVER have before. I understand that God has it all, but it's frustrating, really frustrating when I have no control over the people I love the most in my life and them loving me back.
In ending, I know I'm not the best at picking up a phone and calling my friends I really care about. But friends, I really really love you and care so much about you. I may mess up. I may do or say stupid things. I may leave you feeling forgotten or not cared about. And I'm really sorry if I've ever left you feeling that way. My long-distance communication skills are not up to par. But I love you. I think about you more than you know. I'm just a silly human female who may not always be the perfect friend, but you mean the world to me.
